"MY MOTHER IS MISSING, AGAIN."
She does this thing where she goes MIA for days, weeks, even months at a time. Unbeknownst to me, she was in the hospital for 5 days due to a ‘vitamin deficiency’. I only know this from my sister, who was finally contacted from my mother’s boyfriend.
Like I’ve explained it before, it’s this really bizarre role reversal situation where us three siblings tend to worry about mom, and when we don’t hear back, we think the worst. But alas, I am finally getting to the point where I am becoming jaded, increasingly more so with each reoccurring instance.
In other news… I finally got a job. It’s making coffee and sandwiches at a cafe about a mile and a half south of my place. Strangely, I miss this sort of work. My boss is totally bizarre… he will only contact you via text message, does not make eye contact, and his expectations are a little outrageous. Tuesday was my 4th day, and I’d only opened prior. Well, I was left a list of the closing duties and left literally, by myself to close and for the last 3 hours of our open time. Luckily I’m perfectly competent and figured it out, because the fucking pressure was on, man. I really like it though, overall.
Not only am I still seeing the same guy, but we are getting somewhat serious. Let’s just say, I’m typing this from his computer. It’s really nice when someone trusts you, because for me personally it just makes me want to meet the standard that they set for me. If someone gives me complete trust, I want to not only meet but exceed that expectation. It’s just a really nice feeling.
I ran into one of my previous roommates yesterday. I was stopping at the grocery store and went to tie up Lucky by a homeless guy I didn’t initially recognize… and then realized it was one half of the couple I lived with when first moving here. His girlfriend moved back to the east coast without him, after a 4 year relationship. I don’t blame her at all, she was really unhappy here. So we made small talk for a minute, I gave him a cigarette and wished him well. He looked really down on his luck, man.
Pouring rain. Sideways rain, small and big rain.
I spoke with a friend of mine for two and a half hours the other night. It was so, fluid and pleasant. Both our cheeks hurt from smiling so much! It made me realize he is truly a friend of substance, and I can’t see that changing anytime in the near future.
I had a total melt down last week. More mom bullshit I just need to move past… sometimes it just gets to me, though. I called my friend Kate, and even though she was at work, took all the time she needed to listen to my bullshit problems. Again, realizing that I have people a little closer to me than I realized. Then, the guy that I’m with comes over. Poor guy.
I am literally sobbing at this point, telling him things I haven’t even told people I consider to be close friends. Not only was he incredibly empathetic and sweet, but later that night invites me to meet his mother out of state next month, (well, this month). I can’t because of my new job, but the offer was pretty surprising.
I’m pretty happy. Things aren’t perfect, but once it gets sunny in a couple days I might feel EVEN better than I already do.
My cool roommate(s)
They’re both pretty interesting people. One of them likes to have a really round about way of explaining and answering things. Like this morning, “Kit, I’m making coffee, would you like some?”
*long thoughtful pause*
“I’m not opposed to the concept.”
"Wait for the sun, to come up from the ground. Everything seems backwards in this town…"
I was always hesitant to get them because A.) The system gets abused, all the time and B.) Where I’m from, when you think ‘poverty’ you think families on welfare, not struggling young adults. When really most of my friends technically fall into the government poverty class.
So I applied, figured ‘Hey why not’… and now I qualify for enough to eat a copious amount of local, organic, delicious food.
Glad I got in on this!
artwork done by Gary Musgrave
OH I SEE.
My best friend called me a serial dater last week. She might be right, but I don’t feel a need to apologize for it.
I just won’t get ahead of myself because I’m not too sure of myself and my intentions. Am I possibly on the rebound?
If I am, I guess it’s best to do it with another tattooed musician… a creative pot smoker who fronts an awesome garage band. Oh, except he opened doors for me, (does that even happen anymore?) and gave me a flower and a copy of his band’s LP. I don’t know if that sounds narcissistic, but I genuinely enjoy the record so I don’t care if it is. Also can not believe I met someone else besides me who owns an actual typewriter.
After almost exactly 6 weeks of unemployment, it’s ‘Get a Job’ time… so instead of gardening, partying, and getting stoned in the morning, it’s go time.
If I secure a job within the next week or so, I get to enjoy some of my tax return for the upcoming RECORD STORE DAY! April 21st
Is it weird that that’s a priority for me?
I had a stream of consciousness while sitting in the back yard yesterday. I was intending to write a new song, but it seemed more natural to just write some thoughts down. You know, not try too hard.
I hide away in the back yard.
Far away from any danger, but there is no fence
That separates me from crime.
My dog lays at my feet with every good intention
of protecting me.
But there is no command I could teach him
that could keep me alive.
My leg goes numb under my old PC
I check my dating profile, breaking for cigarettes
I know that’s a deal breaker
for a lot of men.
The sun wants to find it’s way
in but, Los Angeles says no, you left, so enjoy
My backyard is a junk yard, old bike parts and
a claw-foot bath tub used to start fires.
Good thing my landlord installed
alarms and white extinguishers, (to match the kitchen).
I want to be in the company of greatness, but
I don’t meet their expectations
I’m a god damned amateur.
Don’t look at me, don’t honk at me, don’t
respond if you don’t like dogs
Or, girls with visible tattoos.
Most of the time, when I
visit the junkyard there are men
out there fixing, building and involuntarily listening
to my problems.
Where have all the ash trays gone?
Life is funny but, rarely in the way
that makes me laugh.
Spring is here but not
in the way where the sun comes out.
I am, still here
sometimes surprised at the fact.
“One time Bill was in Scotland when he met a (presumably good-looking) 22-year-old Norwegian exchange student at a bar who brought him to a house party friends of hers were throwing. When they arrived, upon finding a huge pile of dirty dishes in the sink and no clean glasses to drink from, Bill just started washing the dishes like it was no big deal. Afterward he happily drank vodka from a coffee cup”
When my friend from LA left two days ago, his last words to me were, “See you in the future.” I think that’s my new favorite farewell.
Yesterday morning I received a phone call at 5:30 in the morning from a man, whom I won’t name, and he was crying, really hard. I felt a sense of embarrassment from him, and I found myself wishing that men felt more comfortable crying, being vulnerable.
I worked in the garden yesterday, it was calming. It’s rare that I do activities without listening to music, but I think it helped me to connect with the earth. The worms, bees, butterflies, mud. I was careful to work around the creatures in the soil and relocate them accordingly. Does this make me too compassionate?
This reminds of a time, years and years ago, when a man-child I was with at the time showed me the ol’ salt on the snail thing. (If you’ve never seen this, the reaction is terrible, and the snail starts to bubble until their inevitable death).
I started sobbing like crazy, and even went on to research if they have nervous systems, (if they can feel pain)… they don’t, but it was the principle of the matter.
I finally sent a message to the fellow who friend-zoned me.
“You could’ve just told me you weren’t into it anymore.”
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to say or do anything stupid while you had friends and family in town.”
This was bad karma coming back… all the times that I gradually stopped contact with men who liked me because I didn’t have the courage to be straight-forward.
I think next time I will execute things differently. So despite being confused on why things seemed to change overnight, (though in hindsight I probably could have seen earlier signs of our romance dissipating) I can still take something away from it.
That and a few good bands he got me into.
I recieved three mixed c.d.s in the last two weeks.
First, from the man I like(d).
Second, from the man I used to “love”.
Third, in the mail from the first boy to kiss me on the cheek. (I was about 10, we went to summer camp together.) And have since become good friends in our adult lives.
This morning my sister calls me to tell me she found a great used vinyl store on Hollywood Blvd… and to e-mail her with a wish list of used records I want. I wonder at this moment what I did to deserve this.
Then the lawyer calls me. I like him more than I thought I would. He can’t wait to see me, and I hold off because my friend from Ashland, (who lives in a teepee and makes his living as a carpenter) is coming to visit.
I feel so god damn fortunate… for now, everything is ok, better than ok…